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185 Ways to piss off your roommate! (my favorites are 62, 75,110 and 158... there are many more but it would take too long to list!)
Try these out on your unsuspecting roomie:
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at
class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump
sardines in it.
Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim
and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking
away, float
up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall
back down and
grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move your roommate's personal items around. Start
subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue
everything
s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all.
Stack the
cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with
them at
night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her
with a
straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road
Warrior," "Repo
Man," "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing
Wagnerian
arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain
that it is
for your performance art class (or hit him/her with
the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her
to bring
you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using
it. Turn
it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just
for a
couple of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you
can.
Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the
paramedics
to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them
according to
what you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your
roommate
suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the
bottom of a
trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the
trash. Find
the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the
trash before
you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's
desk. Include a
list of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her
back is
turned, and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the
closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's
closet.
Accuse him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's
parents (postage
due).
36. Pray to Azlatoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something
nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute
and then
stand up. Announce that you are going to take a
shower. Do so.
Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors
on your
dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask
questions that
start with "Didja ever wonder why . . . ?" Be
creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down
under there
and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If
your
roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty
times while
twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the
wall.
Complain loudly that you can never find the book that
you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit
often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania
Polka," and
play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate
complains,
explain that it's an assignment for your primitive
cultures
class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep
each night.
Close them as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's
email.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them
in a baggie.
Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it
while
studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and
eye him/her
suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower,
lower your
eyes and giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in
his/her
bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone
comes to visit
your roommate when he or she isn't home, show them the
magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your
bed . . . do
so for a while, then jump really high and act like you
hit your
head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake
like you were
knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every
night for
a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change
the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your
roommate,
breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever
you're doing,
grab a towel, and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code.
Open it and
take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that,
send the
mail to him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle
them on the
floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it
every night,
act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under
your desk.
After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up
signs in
your dorm, blame your roommate.
65. Call your RA or CA whenever your roommate turns up
his/her
music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the
door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the
room, bump into
him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of
every hour.
Don't say anything, just stare.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said
that it was
really important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever
you can't
answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down
their
responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer.
Complain
to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as
your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a
fort. Guard
the fort for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw
them in a
pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the
beautiful
foliage.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your
lights. Turn them
on when you leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room
where
he/she can find them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in,
hang up
immediately without saying anything and crawl under
your desk.
Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was
back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American
Pie on your
ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before
you go to
bed.
84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if
they say
Jesus or God Dammit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your
roommate.
Announce the next day that one died. Name another one
after your
roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up
until they
all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign
language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed.
The next day,
spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor.
Say you
got sick.
91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come
barging in out
of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan
man run
through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out
swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is
never
anything to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your
roommate
isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice.
Wait until
your roommate turns around. Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your
ceiling. Whenever
you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that
to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
101. Be on the phone 5 hours a day with some hussy in
Philly.
102. Kill a man. Keep him under your bed. Pretend he
doesn't
smell.
103. Masturbate regularly a lot and without shame.
Tell your
roommate you feel it should be more socially
acceptable and you
are doing your part.
104. Try not washing. For a semester.
105. Spend a lot of time high.
106. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every
morning. Give
them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
107. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair,
lean back too
far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for
about ten
minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over
exercise, but
instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair
sternly, and say,
"It's not funny anymore."
108. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on.
Pretend to
read without one when the lights are out, remarking
every so
often how great the book is.
109. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it,
and
pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then,
pretend to "wipe
out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you
are
drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue"
you.
110. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make
milkshakes
every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make
a shake
using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in,
look at the
shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate,
"I was
curious."
111. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't
plug the
toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the
toaster angrily,
and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's
doing. If
your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent
about
fire-safety hazards.
112. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate
that
you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come
back in
about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that
you're not
a hard man to find.
113. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you
need to ask or
tell him/her something, go to another room and call
him/her on
the phone.
114. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your
roommate for a
glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the
floor and
immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to
bring you a
glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying
of
dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until
he/she does
so.
115. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at
full
volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your
roommate. If
he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist .
. . "
116. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall.
Throw darts at
it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like,
"How nice
to see you again."
117. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans."
Eat them,
and then jump around the room. Get another can of
beans. Label
them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around
the room.
Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your
Roommate beans."
Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
118. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten
minutes, and
then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed
now."
119. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of
Allegiance"
with you every morning.
120. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time.
Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly
to your
roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended
and spend the
day in bed.
121. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your
roommate
doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate
something
your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
122. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times.
If your
roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little
buckaroo.
You'll be safe with me."
123. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other
joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix"
them.
124. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things
like,
"Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting
Whacked in
the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much
you love
the paintings.
125. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see
anything.
Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on
backwards. Say,
"Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the
room. When
you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see
fine.
126. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating
its
movements with your face. Explain to your roommate
that you have
established a connection with the spirit world through
the lava
lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
127. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate
that this
is your collection of "rare gases." Look at them
often. One day,
act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of
having
released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth
and run out
of the room.
128. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror
and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put
one on.
129. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time
you see your
roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down.
Apologize,
and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
130. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is
sleeping,
and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play
the
trombone, and memorize all the major imports and
exports of each
African nation.
131. Stick your head out the window, but forget to
open it, so
that your head crashes through the glass. Then say,
"Silly me,"
open the window again, and try to stick your head
through. Act
like you hit your head on something.
132. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your
roommate
salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that
he/she do
100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma
isn't here to
take care of you any more."
133. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited
whenever
you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while
I'll have
enough for that sailboat."
134. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day,
take the
rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting
matches. If
your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the
situation.
135. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at
them, acting
like you're trying to read something. Tell your
roommate it's a
message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a
warning
about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really
great chili.
136. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest
anytime your
roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on
the floor
and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time
your roommate
walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you
know nothing
about them.
137. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's
head while
he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed.
Snicker at
your roommate every morning.
138. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray!
You're
back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room
for five
minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and
saying,
"Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
139. Trash the room when your roommate's not around.
Then leave
and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she
does, walk
in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like they
were here
again."
140. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son
of a..." and
kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice
cream.
141. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and
explain that
you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do
it again.
Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time,
they
deserved it.
142. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take
them off as
soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain
that they are
Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having
terrible
nightmares.
143. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the
yellow moons
and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate
inquires,
explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say
anything
more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
144. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty
advisor.
Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of
notes, and
then give your roommate a full report. Insist that
he/she do the
same.
145. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning.
Explain that
you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
146. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and
tell your
roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and
explain that
no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
147. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my
God! Where
the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few
minutes. Then
go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't
know what
he/she is talking about.
148. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it
bigger every
day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's
spreading."
149. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every
day. Eat the
straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
150. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it.
After a few
weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I
can't live in
the same room with you," storm out of the room and
slam the door.
Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to
discuss the
plant ever again.
151. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle
until the
clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty
minutes.
152. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room.
If your
roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a
cannibal.
153. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While
you're
doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon,
soon . . . "
154. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When
he/she comes
back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm
naked!"
Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let
your
roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes,
and ignore
your roommate.
155. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around
campus. Give
them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask
about your
roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her?
He/she
won't be here much longer."
156. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit
him/her on
the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed,
muttering,
"Ungrateful little . . . "
157. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist
that you
don't know how they got there.
158. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one
side of the
room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room.
Laugh at the
pencil.
159. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a
priest come to
your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving
everything to
your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist
that your
roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you.
Every time
he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
160. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards,
bring all of
your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate,
"Okay, your
turn."
161. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then
get rid of
the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's
around here
somewhere."
162. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important
message for you."
Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't
remember
what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I
remember!"
Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several
weeks.
163. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with
other people
in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your
roommate wants
to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
164. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip
and hurt
yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long,
painful recovery.
Start walking backwards again.
165. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to
the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold
your head,
and moan.
166. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be
housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day, bring
in a pig.
If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your
roommate
that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig,
eating lots
of bacon.
167. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the
floor. Ignore
the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it,
and then
say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain
loudly that
you are hungry.
168. Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway,
complaining
about the poor picture quality.
169. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for
about an
hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is
gone, go
outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending
to be
hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next
day, start
standing in front of the window again.
170. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give
them names.
Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's
potato
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your
roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just
didn't
belong."
171. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped
cream. Use it
to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later
on, complain
that you feel sick. Continue this process for several
weeks.
172. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a
week. If
your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out
there." Get
your roommate to bring you food and water.
173. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room.
Look at it
with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room
entirely,
opening the door only a crack and whispering to your
roommate,
"Psst! Is it gone?"
174. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate
protests,
explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken
window as
you normally would.
175. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act
excited,
telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
176. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that
says, "I'm
sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them,
start ripping
up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
177. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start
doing so every
so often. Increase the frequency over the next few
weeks, until
you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your
roommate
protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that any more,
Murray."
178. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you
are
sleeping.
179. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your
roommate
if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at
the floor on
the empty side of the room with concern.
180. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point,
grab your
thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry
hysterically for a
few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all
night.
181. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are
on the
phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities.
After you hang
up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call
back."
182. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately
turn off the
lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and
loudly yell,
"Okay, guys, you can come out now."
183. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your
roommate tells
you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think
you are? A
king?"
184. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying
nothing,
doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this
game goes a
lot faster with two players."
185. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a
sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it.
Refuse to
clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them
suffer."
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